cant get youuu

...?

outtta my head?

i like you. is that bad? i dont want to get hurt. should i run away now? should i put my wall back up? sigh i cant stop thinking about it...... this is gay. maybe imy? maybe i like you?

but maybe not....aghalsdfkjasldkfjslakfjsf fml you say youll do things but you dont. but you make it up. i want more than just this.

soooo...

here i am, in my t-shirt. writing on my blog. its cold in my house but i feel like i can really feel the cold-ness in my skin. i like this feeling. ive been craving something thats really. maybe something that really hurts or effects me? something that lets me know that i am still here alive. i tried going to the gym, being sore but that just doesnt cut it.

so here i am sitting in the cold of my house. soaking up the freezing cold uncomfortable feeling for no reason at all. i dont understand myself at times. i wonder what is going on. what do i really want. why am different from other girls. some would die for a boy to say i love you, be in a relationship with me. some would kill for a boy to be clingy and tell them they cant sleep at night because they are not there. instead i push these people away. for no apparent reason. i think i am scared.. but scared of what? what is there to be scared of. i have never been super hurt in my life. no one has betrayed me, cheated on me. so then why is it so hard to trust. why is it so hard to let people into my life. i have plenty friends. why is it so hard to let others in. i know because in the end i feel like i will always end up hurt. is this why i feel the need to "play around" is that why i say i dont want a relationship

is that why i call it boring? or have i only met the wrong people that they do not interest me anymore. why is this happening to me. i miss those highschool years when i had a crush on someone and it'd just be a mere crush. i can just day dream away and it doesnt even matter.

btw this is a buzzed blog. we played beer pong at cal's hosue and i insisted on being home at around 12 since i was so tired.

i just cant figure out what i am feeling. i know i dont need HIM the rebound one. am i really his rebound? do i like him at all? why do i feel like i need him on the SIDE why am i not willing to trust. what is going to happen tmro i dont want to over analyze but im really excited. is it because i had you before. is it because you were the first one. i wish i could just figure out how i really feel. i just can let it out. not to my best friends and not even my own blog. sometimes i just feel so lonely and others i jdont really. as i type tears are falling down my face and i dont even know whyy..... see this is what i am talking about. after the tears fall i say...... why am i crying.. what is the point WHAT am i really crying over. i dont feel lonely i just blame myself for acting the way i do. what should i say to him tmro. i dont want to make a mistake and act foolish in both ways. as in if i do something i will look like a fool. if i dont do anything i will also look like a fool..

SO the k guy is he using me or am i using him. do i even care or do i really like the attention and then looks? what the effff is wrongwith me....

i am really trouble complicated with a bunch of baggage. will anyone be able to get to know me enough to actually know how i am, how i act and love me for it? i feel like people judge and dont know how it goes since i push everyone away.

secrets-one republic.

i like being alone. but i like having someone there. when willll i find something that compliments me. sigh

i dont like feeling like this

i know that other guy. he doesnt really care and to take it slow. why if u are not over ur ex why should i not be over my ex. two can play at this game but really....... i should stop playing games. ughhhhhh my life...

mental crisis. i dont need no one. sigggggh luv you no more emo. im out peaceee!

do you remember?

mmm rewind.

ive been thinking. haha i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach sometime. i dont like it being there and not being able to explain what it is (aka, its not that i am bloated, i need to poop or hunger) this is a completely different feeling. it feels like being alone. completely alone. i dont know why i feel like this at times and am completely fine if not happy being all alone. i feel jumpy all the time. whenever i get an im text or call im like, oh is that you calling me. but its never you any more. i dont know if i only want you or not but everytime i think about it, it makes me sad. i cant figure out if i get sad because im lonely or because i realize that i actually really liked you and sometimes i wish that you were still here. but other times im glad to beable to do my own thang. no baby sittting.

ok i feel better now already or maybe the sleepyness is really getting to me. this other boy. i dont really like him that much of do i just have my defenses up? i dont know. im effffing sleeepy. been up since like 8am maybe ill call it a night right now. hahaha woow.

okk much love i need to go to the gym and shiettttttttt.

halloweeen was much fun. taco bell never forget!!