honesty, i have never felt more alone. : (

i'm so scared and never thought this could happen to me.

every night i pray that it isnt true or it cant happen but then reality hits me, have i been lying to myself? what if its true. what will happen to me. my future, us? everything changes. just when things are looking up, i have something new to worry about. who ever thought this would happen to me. please not let it be!! i have to wait a week. and on top of that probably another week.

god please. ill do anything. it was my mistake in the first place, but i feel like i have learned and become such a better person. ill do anything.

please just let this be me freaking out.

look at what i found.

defs. what i was worried about once a long long time ago.

currently.

feeling: happy after a good day of running and gyming.

needing: food :P and keeping up with the kardasians, and i want to go snowboarding!!

ill do this more later i need to shower 8)

alasdkjfaskldf

everytime you come around it just always messes me up. i think that i was happy before, but i dont actually know anymore. i have to get rid of this habit, put it in the past new year. i need to probably drink less and not play with my phone...

you can make it feel right, when you know that its wrong.

alll my feelings are always so wishy-washy. even like with small things i cant decide what i want to do. ive made up my mind. yesterday was the first time that i realized what i was doing, but i just did it anyways. i had a bit of control but not really.

truth number 1:
people are fucking selfish, i dont know why some people are so selfish. you call me a friend? then please, treat me like on. i do all this shit for people and i put up with a lot of bull shit. why do i have to be so nice. fuuck seriously i guess all people in the world (even me at sometimes i admit) are only looking out for their best interest. and also i hate being flaky. and i hate how people say one thing and just like ughhhhhh. waaaaaaah

i had so much to say, but i cant even say it now. idk im a messs. a wreck why am i so different LOL identity crisis. blog you are my new _______ ____. heeee he ehhe teeheeeehe damn it

why is it alwaysss i only want what i cant have. once i have it... its no fun no mo. i got isssues. ho hummm. okk welll.... this is a really pointless blog that didnt make me feel any better. i had some key points i was going to address but..... i forgot what they were. SO... YEAH maybe ill go home today. more later when i have more then 4 hrs of sleep in me. nap time.

i like

going on facebook,looking at your page, and over analyzing mostly everything. gosh i need a life. damn it. im getting better at it though :)

on a side note. 2010 started off quite nicely with good company. i always hate leaving home. once im at school its fine, just the leaving part is always hard for me. i guess its like that with most everything in my life. what is in store for 2010 who knows, but i want to make the best of it. 8) good grades skinny body and errthang.

oohhh me oh my

cuz we wasted all our free time aloneee..

owl city has the cutest lyrics.

please sing me to sleeep

the weekend we were in love <3

AHH WAH GAH GAH DROOOL. tahoe ho ho on the 27th. itll be fun i hope 8)

i made peace with meself not reallly... are you thereee? are you theree. or are you just a decoy dream , in my head? OH owl city.... mang mang. needa get my mind off everything.

it

still hurts. its like a headache that comes up every once in a while

i cant imagine you with anybody else. is that how you feel when i talk about other people? does it hurt like this? or do you take it because you dont care?

headache, heartache its all the samee.

'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say

And I Take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space in between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real

And I Give you just a little time
I, Wonder if you realize
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

breath-michelle branch

this is quite possibly exactly how i feel right now.

sountrack to my broken heart- mario

ahoooohoooo ahh hooo hooo. you wont even come to my rescue aahooo hooooo.

aww nigga. im done with this. aka everything aka everyone. damn it.

i got my revenge. MEEHEH. it wasnt even bad revenge but for me to do it sorta meant a lot to me. sorta like the last goodbye? MEEP ive never done that to no boohdy. shows how mad i am. or frustrated. im so lame ahhaa 8) done done dead and gone.

my house is cold! toes cold wahh lahhhhhh :|

i wants a change of sceneeee!

i think i am going crazy.

okkk well

long hair dont care.. ;)

i love winter breakkk. AHH

never settle for less.

i misss figure skating. blood sweat and tears. but that was the closest i have ever felt to PERFECTION. minus getting a 100 on my accounting final. dayuum it feels good to be me <3

you know

how some days you just feel pretty? today is like that. im barely wearing makeup and i do not feel the need to. i wish i could feel like this everyday. went to the gym today. it was good. moms yelled at me and i yelled back. i hope she knows that i try very hard and that i dont like it when she says i dont do anything to help out. i should just kept my mouth shut.

we havnet yelled at each other in a while. its werid. ok well im going out now.

hair cut tmro..

maybe i will watch princess and the frog before the end of this week..i really want to go to the snow i wish i could do everything i want to do. there needs to be more time and i need to be a more efficient person. <3

ohhh fall quarter

whyy do you always screw me over. sigh oh well retail therapy has done its job for sure. i got this super cute dress today which im hopefully going to wear to new years. and wait for it...... chinese laundry heels for $15 hoolllllaa i have too many shoess but i HAD to get it. niggaz i need a job to fund the lifestyle i want to live. for reals. oh wellls. im super sleepy and break is pretty good. i want to watch the princess and the frog. oh bloggg, you are my new boyfriend whom i tell things to! you always listen which is nice :) pwahaha. ok im turning into a loser good bye 8)

i

fucking

hate

UGHHHH

got an F in public finance. WHAT THE GAY I WANT TO UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

UGH UGH UHG WTFFFFFf. i am so fucking pisssed. this is bulll shit.

if i have to take that class im getinggg an A+ that is the stupidest class int he efffing world....

UGH PISSSSED OFFFFff

ANGRYYY

whew its ok

omg so gayyyyyyyy bye

dear self,

so what if it hurts me, so what if break down.

i need to keep my head up. i thought i was ready, but now i dont think so anymore. i need more time for myself. i need a break. ME TIME. everything happens so fast that i feel like i need to sit down and re evaluate. i was at a good stable place before but now im starting to feel like everything is crumbling down into the dirt. like how im putting so much into things and letting them effect how i feel about myself. i dont like this feeling. no one is going to bring me down.

i know that it sucks to feel lonely, but i need to stick out this feeling. i need to in some kind of sense re-discover myself before i can let anyone else in. this is so hard for me to describe. but i have been hurt before, kicked around, taken for granted and if anything i want to learn from that and not let the same thing happen. i understand that it was certain circumstances but, in the end it is up to me. its hard to walk away but sometimes it is the right thing to do. slowly, step by step. i need to overall be more independent. focus on other things and dont make other people my priorities.

ALSO on a side note, no more retail therapy..... unless uhoh... i find a nice dress or something, maybe some tights, and HM i wanted one more thing... a long cradigan/jacket thing. alsoooo.... shiettt no more shoes. and i want to get my nails done haha

byebye more later i think ima sleep semi early tonight..... baby sister is comming home. i cant waiiiiiiiit :D

welllll...

two can play at this game ;)

trust. looks can be deceiving.

rah rah rahhhhh bad romancee. roh roh rohhhh schoeeeppy

mhore later

nao.

just so you know, at this game. i always win, alllwayyys meheheh.

cant get youuu

...?

outtta my head?

i like you. is that bad? i dont want to get hurt. should i run away now? should i put my wall back up? sigh i cant stop thinking about it...... this is gay. maybe imy? maybe i like you?

but maybe not....aghalsdfkjasldkfjslakfjsf fml you say youll do things but you dont. but you make it up. i want more than just this.

soooo...

here i am, in my t-shirt. writing on my blog. its cold in my house but i feel like i can really feel the cold-ness in my skin. i like this feeling. ive been craving something thats really. maybe something that really hurts or effects me? something that lets me know that i am still here alive. i tried going to the gym, being sore but that just doesnt cut it.

so here i am sitting in the cold of my house. soaking up the freezing cold uncomfortable feeling for no reason at all. i dont understand myself at times. i wonder what is going on. what do i really want. why am different from other girls. some would die for a boy to say i love you, be in a relationship with me. some would kill for a boy to be clingy and tell them they cant sleep at night because they are not there. instead i push these people away. for no apparent reason. i think i am scared.. but scared of what? what is there to be scared of. i have never been super hurt in my life. no one has betrayed me, cheated on me. so then why is it so hard to trust. why is it so hard to let people into my life. i have plenty friends. why is it so hard to let others in. i know because in the end i feel like i will always end up hurt. is this why i feel the need to "play around" is that why i say i dont want a relationship

is that why i call it boring? or have i only met the wrong people that they do not interest me anymore. why is this happening to me. i miss those highschool years when i had a crush on someone and it'd just be a mere crush. i can just day dream away and it doesnt even matter.

btw this is a buzzed blog. we played beer pong at cal's hosue and i insisted on being home at around 12 since i was so tired.

i just cant figure out what i am feeling. i know i dont need HIM the rebound one. am i really his rebound? do i like him at all? why do i feel like i need him on the SIDE why am i not willing to trust. what is going to happen tmro i dont want to over analyze but im really excited. is it because i had you before. is it because you were the first one. i wish i could just figure out how i really feel. i just can let it out. not to my best friends and not even my own blog. sometimes i just feel so lonely and others i jdont really. as i type tears are falling down my face and i dont even know whyy..... see this is what i am talking about. after the tears fall i say...... why am i crying.. what is the point WHAT am i really crying over. i dont feel lonely i just blame myself for acting the way i do. what should i say to him tmro. i dont want to make a mistake and act foolish in both ways. as in if i do something i will look like a fool. if i dont do anything i will also look like a fool..

SO the k guy is he using me or am i using him. do i even care or do i really like the attention and then looks? what the effff is wrongwith me....

i am really trouble complicated with a bunch of baggage. will anyone be able to get to know me enough to actually know how i am, how i act and love me for it? i feel like people judge and dont know how it goes since i push everyone away.

secrets-one republic.

i like being alone. but i like having someone there. when willll i find something that compliments me. sigh

i dont like feeling like this

i know that other guy. he doesnt really care and to take it slow. why if u are not over ur ex why should i not be over my ex. two can play at this game but really....... i should stop playing games. ughhhhhh my life...

mental crisis. i dont need no one. sigggggh luv you no more emo. im out peaceee!

do you remember?

mmm rewind.

ive been thinking. haha i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach sometime. i dont like it being there and not being able to explain what it is (aka, its not that i am bloated, i need to poop or hunger) this is a completely different feeling. it feels like being alone. completely alone. i dont know why i feel like this at times and am completely fine if not happy being all alone. i feel jumpy all the time. whenever i get an im text or call im like, oh is that you calling me. but its never you any more. i dont know if i only want you or not but everytime i think about it, it makes me sad. i cant figure out if i get sad because im lonely or because i realize that i actually really liked you and sometimes i wish that you were still here. but other times im glad to beable to do my own thang. no baby sittting.

ok i feel better now already or maybe the sleepyness is really getting to me. this other boy. i dont really like him that much of do i just have my defenses up? i dont know. im effffing sleeepy. been up since like 8am maybe ill call it a night right now. hahaha woow.

okk much love i need to go to the gym and shiettttttttt.

halloweeen was much fun. taco bell never forget!!

WHOOOAA

soo i gottaa rebound from the rebound.

note to self.... dont rebound with someone that is better than your ex... because that will never end up wellllll....... FML ahhahaha ugh

awww sheit

why cant i stop thinking about it........... WHY?!

ugh. i gotsss a litto babby crush on jooo.